Greatest Hits • Molly Mary O’Brien

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Lie still. Almost done. It looks fantastic! Like silk. Don’t get it wet. Take the umbrella. You’re tired? You’re not tired. Take these. The photographer is here. Lower your eyelids just a little. Yes. You look fantastic! Like a baby giraffe. He wants more pictures. Take another. Watch your nails. You’ll snag your pantyhose. Keep your head up. You look beautiful. These are going in the next issue! Four full pages! Smile. Now don’t.

You’re still tired? The party’s in an hour. Wear the sequined one. Wear the flats. You’re too tall for heels. You lost the umbrella? You forgetful fool. Here’s a plastic bag. Hold it over your head. Fancy a drink? You’ll have a vodka rocks. Don’t drink so much. Don’t hold your cigarette like that. So unrefined. Much better. See that man? His band just played the Palladium. Talk to him. Laugh at his jokes. I know he’s not funny. I’ll get you another drink.

He’s taking you to Majorca. On his yacht. My goodness. Go! Let’s get you a new bikini. And don’t be tired. Tired girls are no fun. Bring these with you. Don’t get sunburned. Breathe in that sea air. It’s good for you. Don’t get seasick. Don’t eat too much. Who am I kidding, you aren’t hungry. Go to bed with him.

You’re on the cover this month. The papers wrote about you two. He wrote a song about you. Wear a shorter skirt. You’re a baby giraffe, my god!  Don’t talk so much during interviews. You’re very happy together.

He’s sleeping with someone else, but there’s another man in another band. He has a single on the charts. He has style. You’re very happy together. You’re on four magazine covers together! Don’t cut your hair short. Men like balance. You’re yin and yang. He’s short, you’re long. Buy a house. Fix it up. Buy a king-size bed. String lights on your Christmas tree. My baby giraffe. Have his baby! Now’s the time. You’re not getting any younger.

You’re so tired. It’s hard being a mother. Take these. And now you can’t sleep. Take these. He’s on tour. You’re his beacon. You’re his lighthouse. Your agent is calling less often. It might be time to change your focus. Focus on your family. Your son can walk on his own. Look at this cover of Vogue. What a nymphet! She’s only eighteen! Remember when you were eighteen? Announce your retirement.

Accept the divorce settlement. Move into a smaller house. Look at him and the Vogue cover girl, together in the tabloids. Burn the tabloids. Raise your son. Apply eye cream. Quit smoking. Don’t buy his greatest hits. There are songs about you. Write your memoir. Tell your side of the story. Plan a book tour. Straighten your hair. Sign autographs. Take pride in your wisdom. Smile knowingly. Now don’t.


molly o'brien photoMolly Mary O’Brien was born in Vermont and lives in Brooklyn. She has published stories in PANK, Paper Darts, Illuminati Girl Gang, and more. She writes customized stories for people at Dedication Magazine (—if you ask her, she will write one for you! Follow her at @missmollymary.

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