A Real Boyfriend • Brian Alan Ellis

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A real boyfriend will get blackout drunk and use the inside of your car as a urinal.

A real boyfriend can be described in only two ways: worst boyfriend and worst boyfriend ever.

A real boyfriend groans when you touch him.

A real boyfriend’s initial reaction to you requesting he bathe: “This is bullshit!”

A real boyfriend’s wish made while listening to you give your 60-something year-old uncle dating advice over the phone: “Please kill me before 60.”

A real boyfriend calls the act of belching in your face a “big, growly kiss.”

A real boyfriend apologizing: “I’m so sorry I happened to you.”

A real boyfriend promises to get off his ass and do the dishes, but only after he refreshes Facebook several more times.

A real boyfriend acts more like a shitty roommate.

When you scold a real boyfriend for putting the ice cube tray back in the freezer with only two cubes left in it, he will remind you that you don’t always put the toilet paper roll back on its holder by shouting, “Even Stevens starring Shia LaBeouf in your face!”

A real boyfriend screams into pillows and is too depressed to have sex with you.

A real boyfriend is bothered by the fact that you and your brother have similarly shaped arms.

The only kinds of signals a real boyfriend sends are mixed.

A real boyfriend asks that you wrap the anniversary gifts he got you so he doesn’t have to, and also because it’s “better to be disappointed beforehand.”

A real boyfriend will stream the new Lana Del Rey album before you’re able to get home and convince him it’s awful.

A real boyfriend falls asleep drunk on the toilet at 3am while you lay awake wondering why he still hasn’t come to bed.

A real boyfriend will just assume you’re able to drive your own sick ass to the urgent care clinic.

A real boyfriend will spitefully masturbate to thoughts of your ugly friend/sister, but just out of principle.

A real boyfriend’s initial reaction to you suggesting he try the lavender-scented toilet paper you picked up from the store: “This is bullsh—this is pretty nice, actually…”

Small goal a real boyfriend can set that is outside his comfort zone: allow intimacy with loved one.

When you fall asleep, a real boyfriend can finally watch Gilmore Girls alone, like a real man.

If the power goes out, you and a real boyfriend can tell each other plots to random rom-coms over candlelight.

While “vacationing,” you and a real boyfriend argue, then drive separately to random parking lots where you both sit and cry and hate-text each other.

A real boyfriend thinks proposing to you in the candy aisle at Walgreens is “hella romantic.”

A real boyfriend will only have kids with you if he’s 100% sure they’ll come out looking and acting exactly like cats.

A real boyfriend gives shout-outs to all the other real boyfriends who go from being magicians (putting forth effort) to illusionists (pretending to put forth effort).

A real boyfriend takes out the trash just by leaving.

Sext from a real boyfriend: Won’t be home ever. Don’t wait up.


Brian reads

airguitarbriBrian Alan Ellis edits the journal Tables Without Chairs , and is the author of The Mustache He’s Always Wanted but Could Never Grow , 33 Fragments of Sick-Sad Living , King Shit (with Waylon Thornton), and Something Good, Something Bad, Something Dirty . His writing has appeared at Juked , Hobart , Crossed Out , Zygote in My Coffee , Monkeybicycle , DOGZPLOT , Sundog Lit , Heavy Feather Review , Connotation Press , Electric Literature , Vol. 1 Brooklyn , HTMLGIANT , The Heavy Contortionists , That Lit Site , Diverse Voices Quarterly , flashquake , Revolution John , Out of the Gutter , Spry , NAP , The Next Best Book Blog , Entropy , and Atticus Review , among other places, and was also adapted and performed by the Buntport Theater Company in Denver, Colorado. He lives in Tallahassee, Florida. brianalanellis.tumblr.com

Comments 2

  1. Perfection. And then I got to the end and was dumbstruck that a man wrote this piece, so maybe praise from a sexist pig doesn’t mean much, but the story is brilliant.

  2. Brian Alan Ellis kicks ass and this story kicked my ass and I wanna suck his dick. He’s my real boyfriend. Just kidding. I love him.

    -Big money

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